Sunday, November 1, 2009

Warning: Cranky, Bitchy Post Ahead

Today is cycle day 1. Now for me right now, CD1 carries with it no hopeful RE appointments, no new fertility drugs, and no ultasound viewings. CD1 is just what it is: a day full of cramps and crankiness and not-pregnantness and tampon-changing. Sorry to be graphic, but, well, it's CD1 and let's just be frank and not sugar coat this day with silly little acronyms. I'm on my period, y'all, and it sounds about as good as it feels.

This is my first full period after a failed IVF cycle. And while I shouldn't be so surprised it's here, I kinda am, because I naively trusted my acupuncturist when she told me "it's not uncommon for women to conceive the month after a failed cycle". Hear that laughing? It's the universe. Apparently I'm once again the butt of their sick joke.

But I had my reasons to be hopeful. Such as a perfect, positive OPK right on CD 13 like textbook clockwork. I even had what I *thought* was implantation spotting on CD 18 and 19.

Then, on day 26, I'm awakened at 5:15 to find my little monthly surprise. WTF? Does tampax get a cut of the profits everytime this happens?

But that was just the beginning. Oh, it gets worse.

There's this strange natural phenomenon that follows me around like a dark cloud whenever my progesterone levels drop. It's as if people feel a strong magnetism toward me and decide it's the perfect day to tell me that they're pregnant. At least this latest friend had the courtesy to tell me in private over email. I'm thankful for that small favor. Of course, my email back to her was all CONGRATULATIONS!! And that's soooo GREAT!! What else am I to do? Tell her it's not fair and that baby should be mine??

The piéce de résistance came when Preggo's husband sent out ultrasound pictures to all his guy friends. My hubby's heart sank, and with it mine too. Often I feel so responsible for his sadness. This is my physical affliction, after all. Sometimes I wonder how I'd feel if our IF was due to male factors. 

Anyway, whatever. I have no useful insights or lofty bits of wisdom to dole out right now. I think I'll just go change my tampon.


Anonymous said...

Oh goodness - I totally understand how you feel. My old ad agency would say, "Nothing is impossible," but man, it sure feels that way sometimes. I'll keep you in my prayers.


Anonymous said...

*hugs* I'm sorry she showed.

Lookingforaplussign said...

bleah! (((hugs)))

Kathryn said...

I too send empathy & understanding of the frustration & "not knowing where to go."

Realizing that perhaps today is not the day to ask, have you changed your diet & cut out chemicals in your home? I've only read your blog for a few months & perhaps you've already done this & i missed it.

If not, you might want to consider it as i know a number of women who have had success after such a change, even natural pregnancies after failed IVFs. If you're interested i've a number of resources. 4 katee @

I hope i'm not being offensive. I know you're having a hard time & i do hope it gets better for you.

Dea.nna said...

Oh man, I can totally sympathize, especially today. I'm feeling blah and very discouraged. So sorry AF showed. It really does suck. Hang in there!

Melissa G said...

I'm so sorry about AF. Bad news never has good timing though, huh?

I got a pg announcement yesterday as well. How lovely. Mine was actually a phone call where I had to pretend to be all excited. I prefer the email as well. It really is the most humane method if you ask me. Sigh....

Hang in there.


Anonymous said...

I can't imagine how you must feel when you hear the news about a friend's pregnancy. I can tell you that you handle it with grace and dignity. If the universe doesn't notice that, then it's screwed.

Bitch, rant, and scream as much as you want. You're allowed. F%$* the universe.

J.W. said...

I feel for you...with all my heart. It's hard not to be sad. The hardest part of this is not being able to have any control over the one thing you really want. Doing everything to have it result in nothing. I often feel like a crazy person---it's a constant cycle of hope and disappointment but I won't give up hope...I can't...neither should you.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Ah, yes the winds of shit.

mrs shortcake said...

I completely emphathize. As soon as I enter the 2WW, it seems as if everyone around me announces their pregnancy. I exaggerate, but seriously, after multiple mcs and almost a year of trying, I feel ready to punch the next person who feels the need to share their happy news. >(

Kathryn said...

Since you asked, i did post the info on my blog. You probably already know all of which i wrote. I hope you are feeling better, but . . . i know it takes time & maybe even time doesn't help.

Sending you hugs! :)

addingtothepack said...

Ugh. Sorry.

I also carry around a lot of sense of responsibility for my husband's pain relating to infertility. We have female and male factor issues and I never blame him for any of our failures. I carry it all myself. I think even if I was totally "healthy" I would blame myself for not being good enough to overcome his MFI with super eggs and a super lining. I might also have a touch of a martyr complex when it comes to IF. ;)

m said...

"Often I feel so responsible for his sadness."

Argh. I so wish I didn't resonate so deeply with that.

MaidenSong said...

It's WELL after you posted this, but I couldn't help but comment. My husband and I have only male factor infertility, and while I am never angry with him (he has CF, so I knew when I married him we would have to go through IVF), I am often angry at why we have to have such a hard time having a baby (I miscarried our 1st IVF attempt in November) when we have distant relative who are younger, less responsible, etc. accidentally getting pregnant. But like you, as soon as we began "trying" we had all sorts of friends come out of the wood works to tell us they were pregnant. (even one who kindly let us know she was pregnant with #5 and we're only trying to have 1!)