Thursday, January 15, 2009

POF... WTF?!

...(Before I begin, apologies to anyone out there reading, for being so absent these last *gulp* three months. A steady blogger I am not.)

So I've been giving a lot of added thought lately to my "diagnosis". And by diagnosis, I mean the off-handed comment that my R.E. gave me 1 1/2 years ago before quickly hanging up after our post-IVF follow-up call. "Looks to me like you have Premature Ovarian Failure." Well, thanks and good-bye to you, too, buck-o! What exactly do they do to teach bedside manner in medical school, anyway? I think Dr. Z missed that lecture. But I digress.

Premature Ovarian Failure, or POF, is described as a stop in the normal functioning of the ovaries in a woman younger than age 40. It's kind of like premature menopause... but it isn't, because women with POF do still occasionally ovulate and have periods. And there is no known cause. Or cure. WTF?!

Turns out I fit perfectly into the description of someone with POF. Short, irregular periods. A sudden stopping of ovulation. POF is more common in women with auto-immune conditions, such as thyroiditis (like me). And POF puts you at greater risk of developing more serious ailments, such as osteoporosis, Addison's disease, even Parkinson's. As if I didn't have enough to worry about.

So, like a lot of things connected with my sub-fertility, I responded by obsessively googling all I can about it, only to get very depressed after hours of reading crappy statistics offering little hope. But I put a stop to it this time. Because every freaking website seems to say the same thing. And being labeled with any condition with the word "failure" in it's title is like a kick in the crotch every time you see it.

So I can't do anything about my POF. Or can I? I might be oversimplifying things, but I think all I need to know about this condition is this: It's autoimmune related. And what is any autoimmune disease, but an attack on your body by your body. An internal physical self-loathing, if you will. So I resolve to do the following: 1) Stop reading the stupid medical websites, and 2) Love my body more.

Anybody see the thing in What the Bleep about the Japanese scientist who did the study on water? A quirky movie, yes, but this experiment is worth some attention. Apparently he discovered that you can literally change the make-up of water by focusing positive thoughts on it, such as "love" or "gratitude". The proof was shown in the microscopic pictures of the ice crystals which formed from said water. The crystals from the "love" water formed beautiful, intricate patterns like snowflakes. The crystals from the untreated water, or water that was labeled with words like "hate" or "ugly" formed disjointed, chaotic patterns. The theory distilled from this study in the movie is this: since our bodies are about 90% water, what are the possible outcomes from the thoughts we place upon it?

I admit, as a woman living in this age, "loving your body" is easier said then done. But I'm giving it a try. A real, give-it-all-I've-got kind of try. It's all I can do. We'll see what happens.