2 Things

My body does this weird thing sometimes where it conspires with the universe to keep me even more miserable than I thought I could be.

Or, why do I always start my period on the same day I find out another friend is pregnant?

Maybe I'm lucky... because instead of stretching my misery out over several days, I get to experience it all in one big, huge pile of a poopy day.

"Let it go," I say to myself. "Be happy for ______. Just because she's pregnant does not mean you never will be." But my raging hormones, hammering headache, and desperate moodiness don't understand this warm and fuzzy psycho-speak. Would it sound better and make more sense with a glass of red wine in one hand? I'm hoping to find out tonight.

But until then, I'm gently reminded to Let Go and Acquiesce by these 2 lovely bloggers. Now if I could just put that into play. God, help me... (And I mean that. God, are you listening??)

Right now I'm reading the book Eat, Pray, Love. (I know, I'm about 3 years behind the times. I just kept putting off reading it because I didn't think the subject matter was relevant to me. Man, was I wrong.) Anyhow, In the "pray" section, she deals a lot with accepting herself. I yearn to be able to do that now. If there was a magic potion I could take that would make me never want to be a mother again and just forget all this IF bullshit, I would chug it down faster than a thirsty alcoholic at Octoberfest. My problems would be solved and I'd be at peace... right?

I think self-acceptance is an ongoing practice. Our busy minds are always coming up with new obsessions and worries to wear us down. If it wasn't a baby I yearned for, then it would probably be a BMW or a new career or a decent singing voice. It's always something. The trick lies in not giving your mind the authority. Letting go instead to the source of life. So much easier said than done.

Well, for now I'm just gonna have that glass of wine and hope for the best.

Pregnot

I believe congratulations are in order, because I'm... (drumroll, please) .... PREGNOT!

What is pregnot, you ask? Well, it's the condition you find yourself in when your period is almost 4 weeks late, but contrary to your prayerful optimism those BFNs keep showing up anyway. Nevermind that I'm completely bloated and having side aches. Not too mention my serious case of "pregnotcy brain". It's like I get to experience all the worst side effects of real pregnancy, but with no bundle of joy to show for it at the end. I know I've never been overly welcoming to Aunt Flo, but I must have really done something to piss her off this time.

Well, all those pee sticks could be wrong... right?  Stranger things have happened. I'd happily get onboard with that theory, except something tells me I can probably trust the two (yes, TWO) doctor's blood tests—also negatory. *Sigh* Any chance the lab could mix up their results—twice? A girl can dream.

They say stress is the most common culprit for wreaking havoc with your hormones. Lord knows I've had my share this month. (Turning 39 was a hell-of-a-time.) But is there something more I'm missing? Annovulation? Ectopic pregnancy?? Ovarian cancer???  

After many sleepless nights of googling those and other countless horrors, I think I can safely say I'm just plain late. But where does that leave me? Wondering where my damn period went, for one. My RE didn't exactly buoy my hopes by telling me an occurrence like this is a sure sign of waning ovary function. Thanks, doc... I've never wanted my period to start so badly before. (Well, except for those couple times in college).

So for the next couple days, possibly weeks, you can find me here, tampon in one hand, glass of wine in the other, waiting anxiously for my menses. 

Here's to keeping hope alive.