Wednesday, June 17, 2009

2 Things

My body does this weird thing sometimes where it conspires with the universe to keep me even more miserable than I thought I could be.

Or, why do I always start my period on the same day I find out another friend is pregnant?

Maybe I'm lucky... because instead of stretching my misery out over several days, I get to experience it all in one big, huge pile of a poopy day.

"Let it go," I say to myself. "Be happy for ______. Just because she's pregnant does not mean you never will be." But my raging hormones, hammering headache, and desperate moodiness don't understand this warm and fuzzy psycho-speak. Would it sound better and make more sense with a glass of red wine in one hand? I'm hoping to find out tonight.

But until then, I'm gently reminded to Let Go and Acquiesce by these 2 lovely bloggers. Now if I could just put that into play. God, help me... (And I mean that. God, are you listening??)

Right now I'm reading the book Eat, Pray, Love. (I know, I'm about 3 years behind the times. I just kept putting off reading it because I didn't think the subject matter was relevant to me. Man, was I wrong.) Anyhow, In the "pray" section, she deals a lot with accepting herself. I yearn to be able to do that now. If there was a magic potion I could take that would make me never want to be a mother again and just forget all this IF bullshit, I would chug it down faster than a thirsty alcoholic at Octoberfest. My problems would be solved and I'd be at peace... right?

I think self-acceptance is an ongoing practice. Our busy minds are always coming up with new obsessions and worries to wear us down. If it wasn't a baby I yearned for, then it would probably be a BMW or a new career or a decent singing voice. It's always something. The trick lies in not giving your mind the authority. Letting go instead to the source of life. So much easier said than done.

Well, for now I'm just gonna have that glass of wine and hope for the best.


Kathryn said...

Oh, does this ever resonate with me!

I'm older than you are, & am at a point where i'm having to face the fact of menopause, no baby. Some days i do really well. I even told myself what you wrote that if i had a baby, i'd be on to "wanting the next thing" tho a BMW wouldn't be it for me! :)

I think if i could just simply accept the facts of my life & move on, it would be so much simpler. But i still keep on hoping & being disappointed. I'm not sure i'll ever reach the point of accepting & the issue never come up again. We have even discussed hysterectomy just so we can put an end to this - tho we didn't seriously consider it. But that seems to me that it is closing a door on God's possibilities, even tho we are at the point i don't think our hopes will ever arrive.

I don't know your family history, but i did conceive at age 44. The baby was viable, but she implanted too low & tore away from the uterine wall each time i moved. There still may be time for you, but that also means prolonging the waiting, which is hard.

Deathstar said...

There's this Buddhist saying that goes one should become the master of one’s mind rather than let one’s mind master oneself.

Yeah, still working on that one..... I read that book Eat, Pray, Love - loved it! I'm really fighting the urge to take off and do just that. Apparently, though, I have to stick it out in reality land and deal. With a drink in my hand. Cheers!