I have a new lyric for Alanis Morissette and her song "Ironic", and it goes like this:
It's like takin' BCPeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, when you're tryin' to get pregnant....
It's like feelin' nauseoooooouuuuuuuuus, when you know that you're not.
(Okay, sorry for that. I just had to get it out of my system because that stupid song has been running through my head all morning. And homegirl Alanis.... she don't know nuthin' 'bout "ironic" unless she's been through an IVF herself. In which case I do apologize, Alanis).
I am officially into my second IVF cycle. And yes, taking birth control pills. They make me sick. Is this why they make you take them? To prepare you for what morning sickness will be like?
Funny thing is, I, like about 90% of all women out there, have been on these pills before. And I don't remember ever once feeling nauseous on them back when I was actually taking them for their intended purpose. Maybe because I was so busy enjoying all that free-wheeling casual sex, unencumbered by worries of accidental pregnancies.
Yah... that wasn't quite it.
I guess this is nothing, really. I mean, BCPs are only a gateway drug to the Luprons and Repronexes and Follistims of the world. Am I ready for all that?
Well, break out the alcohol pads and unbuckle my pants, because the answer is a Big Fat POSITIVE!!
How ironic is that??
Monday, August 24, 2009
Some of you who have been to my blog before will notice my new banner graphic and layout. Why did I change it? Because for whatever reason, I believe in appearances. Not in a superficial, overly-cosmetic kind of way, but in a putting-my-best-foot-forward kind of way. Sort of like a visual form of positive thinking. Couple that with the fact that I actually design stuff for a living, and I guess you could say it was just time.
Fact is, the designer in me couldn't wait to get my hands on this boring template. Yet I struggled with the idea of using a photo of myself. Even a blurry one. Now I know that many of you other sub-fertiles out there openly label yourselves by name. And I applaud you for it. It's not that I think I have something to be ashamed of. But for the past four years, I have been living something of a double life. Happily child-free on the outside, desperately infertile on the inside.
It started when I took this job. In my mind I thought I'd be here maybe 6 months—max—then out the door on maternity leave. (Pause here for laughter.)
Naturally, I didn't want anyone at my new job to know of my intentions, should they think of me as anything less than a serious professional. It also didn't help that my office is kind of ... impersonal. I didn't really "connect" with anyone here the way I had at my old job. I wasn't comfortable confiding that sort of personal information. (Incidently, just about everyone at my old office knew about my TTC.) When my secret plan didn't quite hatch, well, I just figured I needed more time. And more time is what I got. And more, and more, and more ....
... Till I found myself here. Passing myself off as an "I'm-above-all-that-mommy-mumbo-jumbo", "childless-by-choice" happily married woman. See how deceiving appearances can be?
In my defense, I had to do it. When you're knocking on 40's door without any kids tugging at your coat, people start to ask questions. I always just brush them off with indifferent responses like "Oh, I'm in no rush"... or, "I love being an aunt". I figured that would shut them up and leave me to do my job without any fear of being stepped over for promotions or key assignments. And it worked. I was promoted last quarter.
Anyway, I'm starting to veer off course here. (I blame it on the meds). So in conclusion I'd just like to say: hope you enjoy my new layout. But please don't forward it to my boss!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Last month I told you guys I was reading Eat, Pray, Love. Such a beautiful, beautiful book; I was really sad to finish it. But thankfully, I think the things I gleaned from it will last a long time.
In the book, Liz, the author, goes through a harrowing divorce. Her husband spends the better part of a year refusing to come to a divorce settlement, and the whole affair drags out and causes Liz a lot of pain. One day, on a road trip with a friend, she tells her how she wishes she could write a petition to God to get her husband to sign the divorce papers. "Well, why not?" they figure, and she proceeds to write it right then and there. Instead of gathering physical signatures (a difficult thing to do in a rental car), they laugh as they happily rattle off the names of countless family and friends (some imagined.. Michael J. Fox and the Dalai Lama "signed" it, after all) who have added their name to the petition.
After finishing the petition, Liz falls asleep dreamily while her friend is at the wheel. About an hour later, she wakes to the sound of her cell phone buzzing. It was her lawyer calling to announce that her husband had just signed the divorce papers.
Coincidence? Serendipity? Maybe. But I choose to believe that you get out of life what you put into it. Same goes for your intentions, prayers, meditations... whatever you want to call them. And more often than not, it doesn't hurt to be specific when asking for what you desire.
So here's my petition. What better way to gain support for it than throwing it out to the universe on the open stage that is The Internets. Would you be so kind to add your intentions to this page and "sign" my petition? Much obliged...
Dear God/Universe/Source of all things,I am writing you this petition today to ask you to intervene in the matter of creating a pregnancy for my husband and I. Yes, this is something I've been praying for off and on for the last 5 years. But now, I ask you for some serious help.I know you have many important matters to look after... wars, hunger, oppression, disease. But the way I see it, I am an important part of life on this planet, as is every living soul. And as much as my situation isn't life-threatening, it is still something that causes me and the people around me great suffering. Isn't it true that if one person can move from suffering into happiness, that they in turn bring happiness to the world and others around them? I want to do my part to bring happiness to this world. This is one of the ways I wish to accomplish it.So please, dear God, help us out. Your power is the only way. I promise to do my part in allowing your help to guide us. We are now embarking on IVF #2 and would be forever grateful if this were our last try. We promise to do everything in our power to help guide our child toward becoming the most responsible, caring, and happy person he/she can be, all the while knowing it is you who made their life possible.Thanks in advance for your attention to this matter.Most sincerely,WannabeMommy.