Monday, August 24, 2009


Some of you who have been to my blog before will notice my new banner graphic and layout. Why did I change it? Because for whatever reason, I believe in appearances. Not in a superficial, overly-cosmetic kind of way, but in a putting-my-best-foot-forward kind of way. Sort of like a visual form of positive thinking. Couple that with the fact that I actually design stuff for a living, and I guess you could say it was just time.

Fact is, the designer in me couldn't wait to get my hands on this boring template. Yet I struggled with the idea of using a photo of myself. Even a blurry one. Now I know that many of you other sub-fertiles out there openly label yourselves by name. And I applaud you for it. It's not that I think I have something to be ashamed of. But for the past four years, I have been living something of a double life. Happily child-free on the outside, desperately infertile on the inside.

It started when I took this job. In my mind I thought I'd be here maybe 6 months—max—then out the door on maternity leave. (Pause here for laughter.)

Naturally, I didn't want anyone at my new job to know of my intentions, should they think of me as anything less than a serious professional. It also didn't help that my office is kind of ... impersonal. I didn't really "connect" with anyone here the way I had at my old job. I wasn't comfortable confiding that sort of personal information. (Incidently, just about everyone at my old office knew about my TTC.) When my secret plan didn't quite hatch, well, I just figured I needed more time. And more time is what I got. And more, and more, and more ....

... Till I found myself here. Passing myself off as an "I'm-above-all-that-mommy-mumbo-jumbo", "childless-by-choice" happily married woman. See how deceiving appearances can be?

In my defense, I had to do it. When you're knocking on 40's door without any kids tugging at your coat, people start to ask questions. I always just brush them off with indifferent responses like "Oh, I'm in no rush"... or, "I love being an aunt". I figured that would shut them up and leave me to do my job without any fear of being stepped over for promotions or key assignments. And it worked. I was promoted last quarter.

Anyway, I'm starting to veer off course here. (I blame it on the meds). So in conclusion I'd just like to say: hope you enjoy my new layout. But please don't forward it to my boss!


Kathryn said...

Very cute pic, very appropriate.

Oh, how very funny! The word verification is "spermi"!

It is so hard to know what to say to folks about family. I usually just say, "We haven't been blessed yet," & folks don't want to touch that!

Deathstar said...

I love the new design - great job.
I just got off the phone talking to an older family friend who asked, "So anything new?" and I said "what do you mean new?" and she said, "oh,you know what I mean - any babies?". I bet you she doesn't remember how old I am.