Monday, March 16, 2009

Little Miss Perfect is pregnant.

There is this girl at my office who annoys me to no end. I shall call her Little Miss Perfect (LMP). I call her this because every morning at 10:00 am, when my small office of 14 characters schleps into the conference room for our daily status meeting, LMP has 5 or 6 folders spread out in front of her, pen in one hand, highlighter in the other, while the rest of us are still wearily chugging down our first cup of joe. (Ha! I just realized LMP also stands for "last menstrual period." Oh, the irony). She sits in her chair as if there were a metal rod tied to her spinal cord, all alert and perky and, well... perfect. 

I'm sure you've already guessed why I chose to post today in her honor. Because today of all days is the day she annoys me the most. LMP is preggars. And the thing is, I knew it. I knew it the way you know about a good melon. Chalk another perfect point up for Miss Perfect.

Oh... it's all innocent enough. It's not like she ever means me any personal harm when I hear those 2 magic words fall out of another woman's mouth. But it's like in the movies when everything is slowed down and the camera focuses in for an extreme close up, and you can practically read her lips before she starts talking, and just as she says it that 12-inch dagger that's pierced your heart is slowly turning it upside down as it rotates in your chest. Yah, it's pretty much like that.

So there I was, caught like a rat in a trap, stuck in a little circle of 4 women as LMP delivers her news, forced to smile accordingly and ooh and ahh in sync with my female coworkers. To top it all off, LMP reveals to us, that in perfect Little MIss Perfect fashion, that it happened on her "first try... hee! hee!" Everyone is happy and healthy and thrilled beyond belief. This, just as I'm just starting to feel good about my decision to finally try another IVF. Really, God? Thanks for that.

You know how Carrie in Sex in the City would end each of her articles with a question? Well, I ask you... Is it illegal to mame a pregnant woman?

6 comments:

Random Chick said...

Not if she's a BEOTCH!!!

Flying High said...

Oh my GOD, I really feel for you. I've had that happen to me, too. You just want to find a nice hole to crawl into to scream that it's just not fair...

Deathstar said...

No, but you could start bringing in lots of coffee, unpasteurized cheeses and deli meats to the meeting. Oh, yeah and sushi.

Carmel said...

Don't go there - you're much better than that, plus, there are major wonders waiting for you in life! I bet LMP doesn't have an awesome nephew that adores his aunt! But I do recommend going out to lunch with the staff to a Mexican restaurant and ordering a big, fat, frosty margarita - it gets them everytime. I just drooled over 'em when I was preggo. Make it a double!

Kimberly said...

Cut that bitch! There is no need to take the high road, you could fall off.

Zee said...

ACK! We ARE living parallel lives. Because Kelly, the preggo in MY office, is kind of a LMP too. Not mean or pushy about it, but definitely that type. Sorry you're in preggo-coworker hell too. Here's an idea: when it gets really bad, just think of me, stewing here in my East Coast office, as you stew in yours. (And I'll do the same.) It may not help, but it may make us pause for the crucial thirty seconds before throwing staplers at their cute, knocked-up little heads.

PS My word verification is "hatives." Sort of like "natives" but with added hostility. Works for me.